Little known fact, I used to have a business partner. She is a woman that I had known for a long time, and we worked in several different mental health places together, and eventually formed our own practice.
Many people who found out I had a practice partner would have one of two reactions - “Oh, wow, good for you, I could never”, or, “Oof. Hope you guys stay friends.”
Because they knew then what I know now - most business partnerships are like a marriage in terms of commitment level. But, unlike most marriages, they often don’t survive.
And, spoiler alert, we did not stay friends and we did not stay business partners. I’m going to keep the details private, but let’s just say it didn’t end well for either of us and we are not on speaking terms now.
Why am I sharing that? Because there was a critical moment when I knew it wasn’t going to work:
The moment I lost my willingness to fight with her for the partnership to stay whole.
I do remember this part clearly - I had received a text message about work,
and tossed my phone down and thought, “I can’t deal with this anymore. I just don’t care anymore. Fuck it.”
And then I still proceeded to try to make things work for a while after that. But that day, I knew that it wasn’t going to work. I didn’t listen to my gut, though, because while I was unwilling to make it work, I was also unwilling to leave the situation. There was so much work put into it, and I wanted to know I wasn’t just being dramatic or having a bad day. And yet, I knew.
So much research from people like Priya Parker (author of The Art of Fighting) and John Gottman (marriage therapist extraordinaire) shows that when people lose the willingness to make a relationship work, the relationship cannot survive. Priya Parker describes it like a form of “Good Heat”, and that if the relationship doesn’t have that heat, it goes cold. John Gottman talks about this in a phrase called, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for Relationships.”
It’s clear - Willingness is where it’s at.
Here are some signs you might not be willing to keep a relationship anymore.
You feel bored or complacent when you are with them.
You feel restless or listless in their presence.
You know that you are needing to respond to their messages: text, fb, email, voicemail, whatever, and you can’t bring yourself to do it bc it’s just too much effort.
You feel like you only put in effort and get nothing back, and it feels like a chore.
You find yourself avoiding spending time together.
You stop listening to their side of conversations.
You assume they’re wrong about things instead of hearing them out.
You constantly find yourself saying, “I just don’t care.”
You notice you’ve gone a fair amount of time without even thinking about them.
You stop considering their needs, it feels like a waste of time.
One of my college professors always said that relationships of all kinds are like a sinking boat with two people in it (super uplifting, thanks Dr. Hartley 😆).
If the relationship is going to work and the boat stay afloat, both people have to bail water. If both stop, the boat will sink. And if only one bails water, the boat will sink. So as you’re assessing, make sure that you like the boat you’re in, and if you’re both bailing water, fight like hell for it. Most relationships are well worth it.
So, what do you think?
Are you still willing to make your relationship work?
If you’re still not sure, that’s okay.
Like I said, I didn’t know what I wanted to do or even what life would look like after that moment.
But, I did know that I didn’t care anymore.
If you are still willing to make it work, look for one of my next posts about how to ask the other person if they’re still willing to keep things together.
If yes but it has to change, how to tackle that conversation.
If you’re not willing, I’ll have a post up soon for that, too.
How to get distance, make a new relationship type with them, or when and how to cut ties entirely.
