The neon-flashing elephant light of codependency, and how to face it.

Or, 34 warning signs I’m struggling, and 15 things I do to help myself.

I often see the same significant issue in myself and the my clients -

They have an addict in their life, who they love too much to leave, but don’t feel safe enough to set boundaries.

The issue with 90% of women I work with is simply this - they love harder than anyone else in the room. Usually, to their detriment.

Until…

They realize that person will never love them more the addiction itself.

“Why can’t I just walk away then they don’t add to my life?”

Because:

Codepedency is an addiction, too.

Ouch.

I know. I hate it, too. I struggle with it, too. Every day.

Most days, I’m okay.

Some days, I’m not.

The ways I know I’m not okay are my “warning signs”, or my “yellow lights”, to use a stop light metaphor.

Here’s my list of 31 warning signs I personally experience as a therapist -

because you don’t have time to learn everything the hard way:

1. I start “jones-ing” for drama.

   • I feel an itch in my body that needs to be scratched by getting an emotional rush.

2. I binge reality TV Shows - Sister wives, Real housewives, 90 day fiance, Plathville - anything where I get to feel morally outraged.

   • Sometimes, this can be a way that I cope instead of a warning sign, and I know by knowing if it’s an intentional choice or not. If not, it’s a warning sign. If I choose to watch it, it’s a coping skill.

3. I start to see people as “either/or” instead of holistic -

   • Are you my friend or not? Are you on my side or not? Are you trustworthy, or not? Are you good, or not?

4. I eat trash food regularly.

5. I drink soda and sugary stuff insted of water

6. I get irritable, because I’m on screens all day.

7. I delay showering, laundry, any basic tasks that make me feel good about myself.

8. My purse is suddenly full of “shit I don’t need and don’t want to carry everywhere."

9. I have to get out a bigger purse to carry all of the previously mentioned shit.

10. I take too long to respond to emails, text messages, and fb messages.

11. I stay in my house on beautiful days and I ignore invitations to do things with friends.

12. I take meds late in the day (12pm or 1pm), or not at all.

13. I stop making to-do lists, checking my emails, checking my calendar, and checking my messages.

14. I stop reading to watch TV or instagram instead.

15. I get irritable with my husband,

16. I find fault in everything others do.

17. I convince myself the world is hanging by a thread.

18. I cling to things like hypervigilance for the news. I convince myself if I don’t constantly scare myself with current events, I’m letting people down.

19. I forget others make choices, too.

20. I ignore people saying they miss me and want to hang out.

21. I stop making art.

22. I stop doing yoga.

23. I stop praying.

24. I stop asking the universe for help or a sign she’s there.

25. I stop listening to music, only podcasts.

26. I stop reading fiction, only non fiction.

27. I crave information, instead of checking in with my feelings.

28. I get numb in my body, until I stop knowing if I’m hungry or tired.

29. I get migraines that make me nauseous.

30. I use dry shampoo - Again, coping skill or warning sign for me, the key is choice vs reaction.

31. I stop walking.

32. I forget my autonomy and fall back on old beliefs I don’t hold anymore - “I suck, I’m not smart enough, I’m too ugly, I’m too fat, I’m irresponsbile, I’m selfish.”

33. I outsource my sense of optimism and independence to podcasts, TV shows, or youtube.

34. I have a permanent scowl that sets in, and most days in the mirror I see an unhappy version of myself, or even worse - my mother. *shivers*

Essentially, I become a nightmare. My own worst nightmare, and not the funny state farm kind.

Any of these sound familiar?

And, here’s how I get myself out of it-

as an introverted, neurodivergent, motivated, and smart woman -

1. I set a time limit - “My codependency spiral stops today, at 2pm, EST (I see you trying to bend the rules, self!). I’m in a funk, and I can wallow until 2pm, EST. At 2:01 pm, EST, I am going to stand up, get a glass of water, and go outside for 4 minutes, even if it’s raining.

2. I drink water. Lots and lots, and lots, and lots, and lots, of water. Had enough water? Have some more. I am a water bender, an ocean lover, a coastal mermaid, a sea witch in disguise, and I’ve forgotten my home. I have to have water.

3. I go to the the water - I get in my car, and get as close to the beach as possible each day until I remember that I am at home in my body and in my world.

4. I touch the ground - not cement, the ground. And, I walk around on it. I take my shoes off, sit on some sort of earth/water substance, and feel it on my skin.

5. I count to ten while on the ground.

6. I scream a gutteral noise, quietly at first, and then scream. At the sky.

7. I cuss out whoever is up there, for letting me this hurt, and this angry, and this messed up. I make sure whatever is up there know, that I am morally superior and a little baby lady on this earth who is just doing her best, all the time, without any reason for blame, and every around here, is in fact an idiot and terrible and if they would just listen to me, I could and would fix everything. Unlike, you, spirit/sky/thing up there, I care about people and life, and I want people to be happy. Even, some days, myself.

8. And I remember - “I do care about people, and life. And, I want people to be happy, even, some days, myself.”

9. I say thank you to myself, and the thing in the sky, and the people I love, for not giving up on me.

10. And I promise not to give up on myself. Not yet, anyways. There is still good trouble to do, meaning for me to have, kindness to give, and life to love.

11. I ask myself to do one very small, free, and accessible thing today to take care of myself - brush my teeth, go for a walk, pet my dog, hug my husband, hug my friend, ask for help, anything.

12. I take a nap.

13. I listen to “The Highwomen” song when I wake up.

14. I start again, and again, and again, and again, and again until something changes and shifts.

15. It always does, it always will, and it always means that I am worth loving.

I am worth loving more than a drug, more than an addiction, more than a bad habit, more than a shitty choice, whatever you need to call it that day. I am worth it.

And, turns out, you are too. So. Much. More.

So, those are things I do.

Let me know if any of them work for you, and if I missed any, please let me know by sharing or commenting! I’d love to hear it, and I will continue to add more as I go in life.

Thank you for showing up today, and for showing up for yourself.

Namaste, friends. Namaste.